#1 left me hanging in the air, but still, I continued loving him. But, something had happened that made me crushed and broke my heart. He said to me or should I say, he “texted” me that he would court me again… of course, I felt happy… I trust him and believe that he would really do that because that’s what I’m hoping to happen after months of our break-up… I trust him more than I trust myself. But, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday that week, all things changed. I felt confused…
My classmate/friend asked me, “What if pala ya abla kunikaw si #1 kay manligaw le kunikaw, then na dikaw gale le friend yan ligaw, what man tu ase?”
I felt shocked… she would never asked me that serious question if it’s not happening, right? So, I felt confused… but still I trusted him, so I answered, “Syempre, man hurt me. Pero not me man mad kunel girl, nuay le kulpa. Maybe, kunel guy lang.” But on my mind, “Sana Sana
My friend’s question never left my mind. It’s still there… even at the hour of our examination that week… her question was still there…
Questions in my mind were answered last Saturday that week. My ate had an unlimited text and I asked as permission to text only one person, she agreed. I sent guy #1 a blank message. Then he replied, “Eus, chene io kuntigo kosa abla, importante.”
“What 2 abla kumigo?” I replied.
He texted, “Sorry, hindi na kel man tuloy man ligaw io kuntigo. Ese, ha. Nuay ma ya me promise kuntigo.”
I felt pain in my heart and it took a while for me to reply on his text… I asked him, “Naka-move on ka na vah?”
“He answered, “Nope. Can you wait for me ‘til next year?”
Pain again. “You’re hurting me too much!!! Pinapaasa mo na naman ako!!! (…)” I can’t remember what he replied… I texted him again, “Diba, may nililigawan na u?”
“Oo, numa tu kunele rabya, ha, kumigo lang.”
“C 3x ba?”
“Oo, numa tu kunele rabya…”
“Love mowh vah c 3x?”
“Oo, love q xa at hindi q alam kung bakit!”
“Porke tu ia abla kumigo ‘can you wait for me ‘til next year’ c tan ligaw ia gale 2 na otro girl?”
“Sorry, sorry, sorry.” He kept on saying sorry.
But I guess, sorry means nothing to me… he had hurt me so much… He broke my heart all over again…! I tried to stop my tears from falling from my eyes… I got angry… I texted him:
“Kainiz ka!! Ang sakit nun!! Bakit mo q pinahintay until next year kung may iba ka na pa lang nililigawan?!! Kainiz! Bakit ikaw pa ang minahal ko ng ganito??? Bakit?
“Sorry, c pwd man me kuntigo este abla,.. pero hindi na gayot me kaya!! Ang sakit na talaga! Sorry gayot…! Kuntigo lang gayot me este pwd abla. Peste gayot tu!! Peste! Peste! Peste! Peste! Peste! Y kuntigo pa me ian in love? Y etu pa? y tu kumigo ian hurt? Peste gayot! Peste! Peste! Peste!”
Tears run down my eyes. I wasn’t able to stop it anymore.
Weeks past, I can still remember what had happened. I cry almost each day. I remembered how he fooled me… how he hurt me that much after I had loved him so much.
Time healed my heart. Although it wasn’t fully repaired, but at least, I recovered.
Here comes guy #2. He confronted me that he got a crush on me. But I didn’t believe. It’s hard for me to believe in those words of “love” anymore. So, I kept on saying, “22o ba un? Heh? Hnd aq naniniwala.”
But, he was still persistent. He asked if he could court me. My friends suggested, yes, ‘because they know, #2 wouldn’t hurt me like #1 did. And they said, I would be happy with him. So I agreed. He started to court me.
Days after, I thought, “Parang pinapaasa ko lang siya. And, hindi pa me handang masaktan ulit…” but, my friends said, he wouldn’t hurt me… but still, I followed myself. I wouldn’t hurt him. He’s innocent. He didn’t hurt me.
I said to him straight, “Sorry, pero, I think, hindi ko pa kayang masaktan ulit. Alam mo naman siguro kung anong ginawa niya sakin. Takot na kong mangyari ulit un. Takot na kong masaktan.”
He said it was just okay. He said he understands. So, I felt okay to myself. At least I wouldn’t hurt him. But, I’m wrong. Super, super wrong. My friends asked me why I rejected him. I said I was afraid to get hurt. She told me, “Umiyak c 2 dahil don. Hindi siya makaconcentrate sa practice sa hiphop.”
Ouch…! I felt pain… I thought I wouldn’t him. But, I just did. I just hurt the person who loved me so much just because of the person who loved me so much just because of the person whom I love, who had just hurt me so much and didn’t love me back.
On our way to town, he was with us. I can’t help but feel the guilt on what I had done. I felt more pain when I saw him weeping. Ouch..!! I know what he feels… what I’ve done really hurts! So, I said, “Masama man ako. Sagutin ko na lang kaya siya.”
My friends told him what I uttered. But, he said in reply, “Ngayon pa, parang sinabi lang niya ‘yan dahil naawa siya sakin.”
Ouch! Grabe na to! Grabe na talaga ang ginawa ko sa kanya! Galit na siya sakin!
…Days Passed…
I still felt guilty on what I’ve done. But, I was happy when I knew he accepted my decision. I was relieved. Here comes again confusion.
I bet, I’m already at the stage of moving on… I partially forgot about guy #1 and I’m glad. But, I was shocked. As far as I can remember, he texted me, “Eus, I still love you.”
“My god! He’s so bad! Wouldn’t he give me a chance to move on be happy? Why did he said this to me?” were the words that invaded my brain. I replied, “Ohws… baka niloloko mo na naman ako.”
“No, hindi kita niloloko. Totoo to.”
“Eh, pano na si 3x?”
“Hindi ko na siya mahal.”
“Todo ya lang. Not mo na me maloloko.”
“Totoo sinasabi ko… mahal kita.”
“Sige nga, kung mahal mo q, PROVE IT!”
“Kung gusto mo, hawakan ko kamay mo at sabihin kong “I love you” pero dapat tayo lang.”
“Kung mahal mo talaga ako, you can prove me that you love me in front of them. Kaya mo ba?”
“Ok… kaya lang.”
Days passed but #1 wasn’t able to do what he said. #2 didn’t surrender. He courted me again. At the day of our mini-palaro, I answered guy #2. I chose him over #1 just like #1 chose her over me. But I answered #2 not because I want to revenge #1, it’s because I know I’d be happier with him than with #1.
After 24 hours, I realized, I’m unfair. I still love #1 but I answered #2. what have I done? I will just hurt #2 if I’ll continue doing this. So, I decided to tell him the truth.
The next day, we were always together. At lunch time, at the carinderia, I had the chance to tell to him.
“Alam mo, hindi ko kayang makipagholding-hands sa’yo at mag-I love you 2.”
“Bakit? Ayaw mo ba sakin?”
“Hindi naman sa ayaw ko sa’yo, sa totoo lang, gusto kita, kaso nga lang, mahal ko siya.”
“Sino siya?”
“Siya. Kilala mo na siya.”
My god! Am I rude when I did this to him? But, I just told him the truth and nothing but the truth! At least, I am the one who told him, not anyone else.
#2 walked ahead of us, going to school. I can sense that his tears want to fall from his eyes.
When I approached him, I said with tears and guilt, “Sa tingin ko, cool-off muna tayo.” The bell rung. I went to our classroom and left him there, alone. He was still crying.
At the time of our science class, we heard him shouting outside our classroom, “Di ko matanggap!”
Oh no!! I feel so guilty! As in! super duper guilty! To the highest level of the beautiful earth!
When our class was over I, together with my friends, waited until #2’s class is done. But, #2 didn’t attend their last period. He was outside with us, at the corner, weeping. My god! It hurts to see him crying ‘cause of me! I’m so bad!
We didn’t end up the day without clarifying all things. My friends forced me to approach and comfort him. So, I did it. All things are now clear after we had talked. We went home together.
Saturday, this week, I committed a sin. Guy #1 texted me, and so, I replied. I told him that I still love him even though I have my new boyfriend. Oh my god! What have I done? I told him not to tell anyone about this, he promised to do so.
The following week, I was shocked hearing the news spreading throughout our room. My gosh! A friend of mine approached me and told me what the news is about. She told me that #2 already knows what happened last Saturday, while #1 and I texted each other. In addition to this, #1 told #2 that I just answered him because I pity him. My god! Did I ever tell #1 that thing? I cried inside our room because of the guilt I feel. My god! I hurt him again!
#1 was surrounded by some of my classmates while I’m busy feeling the guilt inside my heart. I do not know what exactly happened when my friends bordered him. A friend of mine approached me and said, “Did you hear that?”
“What?” I questioned.
“#1 shouted there: ‘I love you, Euscelle.”
I commented nothing on what my friend said. Still, I continued crying, guilty on what I just did.
After the examination, #2 waited for me, for us to go home together, because I said I want to talk to him. On our way, #2 went beside me. We talked and clarified all that had happened. #2 was so kind. He just accepted what I’ve done because as he said, he loves me. But the only problem on him was he smokes. But, at the day, I answered him, he promised he’ll not do it again for me. We end up the day, together happily, ending up the misunderstandings we had.
But, still, the guilt stayed within me. It wasn’t gone yet. So, I decided again to confront #2.
“I guess, kailangan mo na kong palayain. Para not na u palaging umiiyak. Kaya mo vah?”
#2 kept silent.
“Ano man, kaya mo?”
“Kung kaya mo, kaya ko.”
“Kaya ko.”
“Okay.” He nodded.
“Sure ka ba?”
He kept silent…
We went home together. On our way, we made a deal. That day was our last day. I mean, it was the last day we would be together, because for the next week, November 3-7, 2008, cool-off kami.
On that week, some asked, “Musta na kayo ni 2?” I just answered them, “Cool-off kami for the entire week.”
Hmmmpf… but, I didn’t expect I could have done this thing. I broke up with him through the letter he gave me.
After our class and so was his, we talked. Everything was clear on me but not at him.
After some time, #1 started to court me again. Should I give him second chance after all the things he had done? He kept on saying, “Everybody deserves second chance.” But, for me, giving second chances means your giving second chance means your giving him the authority to hurt you again. What should I do? But, I still love him, right? So, why not? I gave him second chance. He courted me again and I answered him again. On our second time being together, it was almost perfect. Except for the fact… #1 admitted that he wasn’t that serious when we’ve been together for the first time… ouch!!! So, does that mean, when I’m so crazily in love with him, he wasn’t that serious? Ouch!! Sh*t! He’d hurt me again…!!
Without even reaching our 1st monthsary on the second time around, I broke up with him. I dunno what exactly my reason for doing this was. I just told him:
“I think, I need to follow Sir Jay-ar’s advice.”
“What advice?”
“I need time. And I think, we need to start all over again, from the very start.”
“So, you mean, break ya kita?”
I just nodded and didn’t utter even a single word.
So that means, break ia kami! I’m single again…! No one has the authority or the rights to hurt me again…! I’m free!
At first, I wasn’t glad being single again, because I broke up with him even though I still love him.
The New Year has come. It’s a sign of new adventures in life… it also means moving on with the past and learning from the experiences.
This Christmas vacation, I, #1, and #2, are at peace. Nothing happened between us. But, this New Year, I’d known something I didn’t expect to happen…
Rumors were spread and had reached my knowledge. A friend of mine, #2’s classmate, told me, “Sabe ka, c girl kere kun 2?”
“Heh? Ansina? Kien ia abla?”
“C 2.”
“Kien kunele ia abla?”
“C girl.”
Hmmmpf… for me, it was just okay that my close friend likes my ex. What can I do if she likes him? I can’t forbid her heart to like him, right? So, I accepted it.
Days passed and I’d had the chance to ask girl about this rumor. I asked her, “May gusto ka kay 1?”
“Wala,” she answered.”
“Kay 2?”
“Wala.”
“Okay.”
Hmmmpf… I felt confused. What’s this? My friend told me that girl likes #2 but when I asked her, she said she does not. Who’s telling the truth? Who’s lying?”
Hmmmpf… girl’s former group co-member asked me If I know the meaning of what’s written in girl’s illustration board. I said I do not and asked them what it is. They refused to answer my question because, they said, it was a secret.
I approached girl and asked her what it means. She said it was her crush’s name, from their neighborhood. I believed her. I returned to girl’s former co-group member and told them what girl’s answer to my question is. They said girl’s lying. That crush of hers isn’t from their neighborhood. Her crush was our schoolmate… it was #2!
Oh! My god! What’s this? Who’s lying again? Is it girl? My close friend who knows everything what I feel? Hmmmpf… dunno…
Ruby, our classmate and the one who really knows what is really happening has told me that the truth is, girl really likes #2! She said, girl was the one who told her about this. And in additional to this, last Christmas vacation, my ex and girl has a relationship!
My gosh!! Ouch!! It hurts!! Why did girl lied on me? Doesn’t she trust me? Ouch men… but, the question is, what’s the reason why I’m hurt? Is it because girl lied on me? Or it’s because , I hurt for the fact that #2 has found someone new?
Girl apologized to me and said, she was just waiting for the right time to tell it to me. I accepted it and said it’s okay because, in the first place, I and #2 weren’t committed to each other anymore… right?? Now, this case is closed in their eyes but not on mine.
Here it goes again… after weeks came passing-by, there’s another issue… here comes the issue about guy #1’s mysterious girl…
Hmmmpf… a friend of mine sat beside me and asked, “Eus, tinanong sakin ni 1, what if daw, meron siyang niligawan na classmate natin, close friend mo, may gusto c 1 sa girl, may gusto din daw sa kanya ung girl.”
I didn’t speak any work at first. I guess, my tears want to escape from the chambers of my eyes… I continued to hear her question…
“Magiging sila na daw sana
Gosh…! Ouch!!! Truth really hurts..!!
In reply, I said, “Siguro, sasabihin ko na lang sa lahat na not ko na mahal c 1 para malaya na sila nung girl, diba?? At least, magiging happy na sila, kasi, parang aq na lang ung problema.”
Saying those words caused a lot of pain to my heart. My tears started to fall and were noticed by my classmates… When I reached our room, I cried all over again…
I can’t help this anymore… I’m super duper hurt…!! Oh no…!! Can’t take this anymore..!!!
A month had passed and I’d known something… #1’s mysterious girl was my friend! Ouch! Why? Why does #1 keeps on hurting me using my friends?! And what hurts more? He lied on me! #1 used my other friend’s name to cover mysterious girl’s name! Ouch! It hurts! I know he just thought about mysterious girl’s sake but, haven’t he thought about me? Haven’t he thought he’s going to hurt me with all those lies? My god! Why is he always lying on me? Plus, he admitted to me that all those things he’s telling me were all lies…! Ouch! Can’t help this anymore…!!
Ok…! At this point in time! I finally surrender! I’ll never hope #1 would be honest to me… he broke my heart into pieces…
After days, #2 also gave me up… he said he’ll move on… it only means, he surrenders!
Knowing that #2 gave me up, hurt me… don’t know why, but, I know, I just hurts to see him avoiding me or ignoring my presence… so, at this time gain, I also gave him up, avoided and ignored him, for him to feel it easy to move on and forget about me…
I know, it isn’t easy to forget about my 2 exes, but I have to do it… ‘coz if I won’t, things would grow a lot more complicated. So, I guess, I should give them up for them to find someone new, someone who’s better than me.
Ending this story of mine saying I’d rather be lonely than seeing them in misery. At the end, I did not choose anyone, ‘coz I can’t help seeing one of them hurting. I’d rather choose being single than seeing their tears falling from their eyes while their mine…
Bye – bye… ‘til next blog… TeeCee Olweiz…!!
